Finding My Voice

I am finding my voice again.  I really never lost it, but I did stop using it.  I wasn’t going to blog about this but my pastor posted something today on his twitter account (@TonyManning) that gave me pause and made me realize that this self-imposed voiceless sabbatical I have been on was keeping the blessings from being poured out on me and around me.  I am not glorifying God in my actions and deeds.

Here is what Tony tweeted:

Bitterness is the fruit of self-centeredness.

Now I don’t know if Tony actually coined this phrase or if he read it somewhere, or heard it in a song but it doesn’t matter.  These seven (six if you count the hyphenated word as one) words really struck me.  My hard heart, my bitterness, has kept me so focused on my hurts and transgressions, that I have failed to let God’s glory shine in and through me.  Case in point,  I said “my” or “me” way too many times in that statement – thus – self-centeredness.

I have been a worship leader in many church settings for about 20 years.  Four years ago, during an argument that should never have happened, but did, among artists that tend to be overly sensitive and dramatic (it is just how God wired us) I was told by the person I was arguing with that no one wanted to sing with me.  People were actually not joining the music ministry because of me.  Now I was told later that it was said in the heat of the moment, and I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t also say things that should have never been said at that moment in time, but that night, after rehearsal – everything changed for me.  I lost my joy – my mojo – my desire to lead others into meaningful and wonderful worship with God as the audience of One to our wonderful and glorious outpouring of love and adoration.  One of my mentors/pastors in this ministry taught me that it wasn’t about me.  It was about focusing the congregation, audience, small group, into worship so deep and meaningful that the musicians on the stage disappeared, BUT that argument made it about me and it has been about me for the past four years.  So here it is again……

Bitterness is the fruit of self-centeredness.

My prayer is that “I” is taken out of my vocabulary and that God uses the gift He bestowed upon me (that belongs to Him anyway) and uses it for His Glory.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Romans 12:1

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